Diary of a Film Festival (Published in Film & Festivals Magazine, 2010)
With the throng of film festivals about to hit the UK, have you ever wondered about what it's like behind the scenes. Whilst looking through a thrown out 'To Do' list more than 100 pages thick, Laurence Boyce found the following pages of an unknown festival worker.
6am Get up bright and early as today is a big day. We have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith coming for a special sneak preview of Men in Black III. We also have the print of the latest Harry Potter filmarriving for a special, mystery preview. The audience will go ape when that gets revealed!
8.30am Arrive at the office and check post and email. Discover that we have mistakenly booked Griff-Rhys Jones and Mel Smith for today. Hastily attempt to find print of Morons from Outer Space.
8.45am Print of Harry Potter on its way, and should be here in plenty of time.
9am Staff meeting. We agree that, whilst yesterday generally went well, the shocking, drunken and lavacious behaviour at last night's party went beyond the pale and – as such – Ken Loach won't be invited back to discuss his career.
9.30am A-OK with Harry Potter
10.00am Off to the station to pick up a Short Film Maker. It turns out that his film is two and a half hours long, but he's only 4ft tall.
10.15am Print of Harry Potter is now on the airplane headed to the UK. I can envisage no trouble.
10.30am On my way to the first event of the day I realise that, out of the 490 films we show during this festival, Shia LaBoeuf appears in 489 of them.
11am Arrive at the cinema for the conference concerning the state of the British Film Industry. Hmmmm, I wonder why people look so depressed?
11.30am Jeremy Hunt appears to talk about the closure of the UK Film Council: he is awarded a prize for being ‘The Person who is his own rhyming slang’
12pm Harry Potter arrived at airport. Just has to go through customs, which will be no problem.
12.30pm Such is the busy life, that I decide to have my lunch in the multiplex cinema. A lovely hotdog, some popcorn and a large coke set me up for the rest of the day, and a bargain at £38.
1pm Slight problem with Potter. It seems that the Customs Officials have impounded the film after someone described the it as being about: ‘.. a bunch of people who enjoying playing with their wands and then flying about and grabbing balls”
1.30pm Arrange for one of my colleagues to drive to Liverpool Airport to sort out the print of Potter. This should be fine.
2pm Go over to the venue for the showing of a hip new extreme sports film to check that all video projection equipment is fine.
2.30pm All the equipment's fine. All leads present and correct. Projector working perfectly. Sound levels just right. Great stuff. Just got to get the film itself
2.31pm Find out that someone has somehow provided a copy the latest episode of Eastenders instead of the film. Get BMX Bandits on DVD and hope no-one notices the difference
3pm Colleague rings from Liverpool Airport. Tells me that he hasn't picked up Potter but he will be appearing in the new series of Airport. Starting to get just a little bit worried.
4pm Go back to the office. People are running around, shouting, pulling their hair out and generally praying nothing goes wrong. Nice to see everything much calmer than usual.
5pm Lack of Potter starting to get a little bit irksome.
5.30pm A relaxing cup of tea before tonight's mystery screening. Start to think more and more about the lack of actual mystery film.
5.35pm Another relaxing cup of tea. With Whiskey in it.
6pm Colleague has left Liverpool Airport with copy of Potter. He's last seen heading towards a collectors fair in Bristol screaming 'I'm rich'
9pm Mystery screening went down a storm. The audience loved Morons from Outer Space and those Smith and Jones fellows are funny people.
10pm Head towards a party knowing there's only a week to go. Feel the urge to have a pint. Stress, hard-work and general insanity but I still love my job. Go figure.
6am Get up bright and early as today is a big day. We have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith coming for a special sneak preview of Men in Black III. We also have the print of the latest Harry Potter filmarriving for a special, mystery preview. The audience will go ape when that gets revealed!
8.30am Arrive at the office and check post and email. Discover that we have mistakenly booked Griff-Rhys Jones and Mel Smith for today. Hastily attempt to find print of Morons from Outer Space.
8.45am Print of Harry Potter on its way, and should be here in plenty of time.
9am Staff meeting. We agree that, whilst yesterday generally went well, the shocking, drunken and lavacious behaviour at last night's party went beyond the pale and – as such – Ken Loach won't be invited back to discuss his career.
9.30am A-OK with Harry Potter
10.00am Off to the station to pick up a Short Film Maker. It turns out that his film is two and a half hours long, but he's only 4ft tall.
10.15am Print of Harry Potter is now on the airplane headed to the UK. I can envisage no trouble.
10.30am On my way to the first event of the day I realise that, out of the 490 films we show during this festival, Shia LaBoeuf appears in 489 of them.
11am Arrive at the cinema for the conference concerning the state of the British Film Industry. Hmmmm, I wonder why people look so depressed?
11.30am Jeremy Hunt appears to talk about the closure of the UK Film Council: he is awarded a prize for being ‘The Person who is his own rhyming slang’
12pm Harry Potter arrived at airport. Just has to go through customs, which will be no problem.
12.30pm Such is the busy life, that I decide to have my lunch in the multiplex cinema. A lovely hotdog, some popcorn and a large coke set me up for the rest of the day, and a bargain at £38.
1pm Slight problem with Potter. It seems that the Customs Officials have impounded the film after someone described the it as being about: ‘.. a bunch of people who enjoying playing with their wands and then flying about and grabbing balls”
1.30pm Arrange for one of my colleagues to drive to Liverpool Airport to sort out the print of Potter. This should be fine.
2pm Go over to the venue for the showing of a hip new extreme sports film to check that all video projection equipment is fine.
2.30pm All the equipment's fine. All leads present and correct. Projector working perfectly. Sound levels just right. Great stuff. Just got to get the film itself
2.31pm Find out that someone has somehow provided a copy the latest episode of Eastenders instead of the film. Get BMX Bandits on DVD and hope no-one notices the difference
3pm Colleague rings from Liverpool Airport. Tells me that he hasn't picked up Potter but he will be appearing in the new series of Airport. Starting to get just a little bit worried.
4pm Go back to the office. People are running around, shouting, pulling their hair out and generally praying nothing goes wrong. Nice to see everything much calmer than usual.
5pm Lack of Potter starting to get a little bit irksome.
5.30pm A relaxing cup of tea before tonight's mystery screening. Start to think more and more about the lack of actual mystery film.
5.35pm Another relaxing cup of tea. With Whiskey in it.
6pm Colleague has left Liverpool Airport with copy of Potter. He's last seen heading towards a collectors fair in Bristol screaming 'I'm rich'
9pm Mystery screening went down a storm. The audience loved Morons from Outer Space and those Smith and Jones fellows are funny people.
10pm Head towards a party knowing there's only a week to go. Feel the urge to have a pint. Stress, hard-work and general insanity but I still love my job. Go figure.
Moor Music Festival 2009 (The Culture Vulture, 2009)
When writing about a music festival, it’s customary (OK, really clichéd) to mention the weather. And far be it from me to break the habit of a lifetime, as this year’s Moor Music Festival – held in the picturesque environs of Heslaker Farm in Skipton – was blessed by some gorgeous weather. Yes, for once, Britain actually had a summer as the sun shone down for almost the entire duration of the event. But, even though the temptation to tan was high, I was there to check out four stages of new and exciting music and events that the MMF organisers have been working diligently throughout the year to provide. Just what delights would I manage to find?
The Earl Hickey stage brought forth a number of excellent acts including Albert Ross and the Otters, a cheeky mixture of folk mixed with a smattering of rock and roll that was a perfect accompaniment to the fun Friday afternoon atmosphere. Because there’s nothing better on a Friday afternoon than a tent with beer, sunshine outside and someone playing a melodica. As the sun began to disappear, there was appropriate accompaniment from the Hard Time Orchestra, a fine three piece playing – mainly – blues covers from the likes of Tom Waits. Lead singer Elisabeth Nygård provided some beautiful vocals as the band managed to charm everyone who was there. But after a double dose of marvellous melodies, it was time to search for something a little more heavy and Black Diamond Bay fit the bill perfectly. Displaying a hell a lot of a fire and energy, the self proclaimed purveyors of ‘electro folk’ managed to win the audience over enough to be asked back to do two encores. Whilst songs with choruses such as “We’ll stop carrying knives, when you stop bombing the f*** out of countries you don’t like,” have a slight whiff of sixth form poetry about them, it’s all done with such commitment and passion that such minor niggles are instantly forgiven. It was a little harder to forgive the audience who were in the tent when the awesome Liz Green was playing. After technical problems meant that she was much quieter than she was meant to be, the Manchester based singer found it hard to compete with a small contingent of the audience who seemed more interesting in talking about their mate ‘Davo’. Trying to listen to Green’s brilliantly unique vocals and folk stylings became difficult when simultaneously wanting to kill ‘Davo’ and any of his mates who couldn’t fathom the concept of shutting the f*** up. Admitting that discretion is the better of valour, I missed the latter half of her set vowing to see her again in the future. And if you’ve seen her then I strongly suggest to do the same.
Despite the fact that Green’s set was something of a disappointment (for reasons beyond her control), it should be pointed out that the audiences at the Moor Music Festival were generally chilled out with much less of the ‘tosser quotient’ that can often invade music festivals. People were generally having fun hanging around with friends and experiencing acts old and new. Also, parents were proudly inducting their offspring into the ways of festivals with numerous toddlers walking around with ear protectors as if they’d just come from a day of using industrial drills in their sandpits. This atmosphere is partly engendered by the staff – from organisers to volunteers – who give up a lot of time and energy to put on what is essentially a labour of love. They’re really passionate about making sure that people have a good time whilst giving all the acts the opportunity to perform to the best of their abilities.
And more acts did that on the Saturday (after a night that was as cold as the day was hot. Thank goodness the Sun was beating down once again). Lucy Barker - also one of the organisers of the Moor Music Fest – provided some beautiful singing whilst the astonishing Cowtown (playing the Shed Stage which was, well, a shed. No false advertising here) were absolutely belting. Think Melt Banana crossed with Rod, Jane and Freddy and you’ll still only have a fraction of an idea of what they’re like live. Just go and see them whenever you can, OK? The same goes for Tomas Truax), an enticingly wonderful performer who performs songs from David Lynch films alongside his own original works. Slightly surreal (Truax builds his own instruments, including a drum machine entitled ‘Mother Superior’) but with a fantastic connection to the audience, Truax was a sight to behold. Only if he’d handed out free tenners would he have left the audience any more delighted than they already were.
Whilst I mainly concentrated on the folk and acoustic side of the festival (not deliberately I may add) there was plenty more for any fans of all music genres. I saw some hardcore rockers, heard the thumping bass of DJ sets and dance and even saw an amazing set done by Rus Pearson on an electronic double bass. And, of course, there were the usual trappings of the festival with beer tents (and – shockingly – it was reasonably priced), films throughout the night, a lovely tea tent and the chance to play some crazy golf. Certainly, the Moor Music Festival manages to feel intimate whilst still having a creditable ambition (this year proved that Skipton was a perfect place for a festival, with some breathtaking views.) In an age when music festivals become increasingly crushed by the weight of corporate hegemony, it’s that festivals like Moor Music Festival exciting. There’s a genuine excitement in going from tent to tent and finding out about new bands whilst generally soaking in the laid back atmosphere.
And the sun even stayed out. What more could you want?
The Earl Hickey stage brought forth a number of excellent acts including Albert Ross and the Otters, a cheeky mixture of folk mixed with a smattering of rock and roll that was a perfect accompaniment to the fun Friday afternoon atmosphere. Because there’s nothing better on a Friday afternoon than a tent with beer, sunshine outside and someone playing a melodica. As the sun began to disappear, there was appropriate accompaniment from the Hard Time Orchestra, a fine three piece playing – mainly – blues covers from the likes of Tom Waits. Lead singer Elisabeth Nygård provided some beautiful vocals as the band managed to charm everyone who was there. But after a double dose of marvellous melodies, it was time to search for something a little more heavy and Black Diamond Bay fit the bill perfectly. Displaying a hell a lot of a fire and energy, the self proclaimed purveyors of ‘electro folk’ managed to win the audience over enough to be asked back to do two encores. Whilst songs with choruses such as “We’ll stop carrying knives, when you stop bombing the f*** out of countries you don’t like,” have a slight whiff of sixth form poetry about them, it’s all done with such commitment and passion that such minor niggles are instantly forgiven. It was a little harder to forgive the audience who were in the tent when the awesome Liz Green was playing. After technical problems meant that she was much quieter than she was meant to be, the Manchester based singer found it hard to compete with a small contingent of the audience who seemed more interesting in talking about their mate ‘Davo’. Trying to listen to Green’s brilliantly unique vocals and folk stylings became difficult when simultaneously wanting to kill ‘Davo’ and any of his mates who couldn’t fathom the concept of shutting the f*** up. Admitting that discretion is the better of valour, I missed the latter half of her set vowing to see her again in the future. And if you’ve seen her then I strongly suggest to do the same.
Despite the fact that Green’s set was something of a disappointment (for reasons beyond her control), it should be pointed out that the audiences at the Moor Music Festival were generally chilled out with much less of the ‘tosser quotient’ that can often invade music festivals. People were generally having fun hanging around with friends and experiencing acts old and new. Also, parents were proudly inducting their offspring into the ways of festivals with numerous toddlers walking around with ear protectors as if they’d just come from a day of using industrial drills in their sandpits. This atmosphere is partly engendered by the staff – from organisers to volunteers – who give up a lot of time and energy to put on what is essentially a labour of love. They’re really passionate about making sure that people have a good time whilst giving all the acts the opportunity to perform to the best of their abilities.
And more acts did that on the Saturday (after a night that was as cold as the day was hot. Thank goodness the Sun was beating down once again). Lucy Barker - also one of the organisers of the Moor Music Fest – provided some beautiful singing whilst the astonishing Cowtown (playing the Shed Stage which was, well, a shed. No false advertising here) were absolutely belting. Think Melt Banana crossed with Rod, Jane and Freddy and you’ll still only have a fraction of an idea of what they’re like live. Just go and see them whenever you can, OK? The same goes for Tomas Truax), an enticingly wonderful performer who performs songs from David Lynch films alongside his own original works. Slightly surreal (Truax builds his own instruments, including a drum machine entitled ‘Mother Superior’) but with a fantastic connection to the audience, Truax was a sight to behold. Only if he’d handed out free tenners would he have left the audience any more delighted than they already were.
Whilst I mainly concentrated on the folk and acoustic side of the festival (not deliberately I may add) there was plenty more for any fans of all music genres. I saw some hardcore rockers, heard the thumping bass of DJ sets and dance and even saw an amazing set done by Rus Pearson on an electronic double bass. And, of course, there were the usual trappings of the festival with beer tents (and – shockingly – it was reasonably priced), films throughout the night, a lovely tea tent and the chance to play some crazy golf. Certainly, the Moor Music Festival manages to feel intimate whilst still having a creditable ambition (this year proved that Skipton was a perfect place for a festival, with some breathtaking views.) In an age when music festivals become increasingly crushed by the weight of corporate hegemony, it’s that festivals like Moor Music Festival exciting. There’s a genuine excitement in going from tent to tent and finding out about new bands whilst generally soaking in the laid back atmosphere.
And the sun even stayed out. What more could you want?
Laurence Boyce You Tube Favourites (Eesti Ekspress, 2008)
(I was asked by Eesti Ekspress to provide some ideas for my favourite You Tube videos. I dutifully obliged....)
When you have a hangover?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8yx4k4tzqE
Given that I’m at the age where hangover’s are less ‘I’ll have a headache for a couple of hours’ and more ‘I’m dying and refuse to leave my bed for days” me getting to the computer would be a miracle. But if I did this Lemon Jelly video has enough get up and go to try and shake it off. Or make me violently ill.
While drinking your morning coffee?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAaUoZIu338
I’m English dammit! We drink tea and this handy guide provides all you need to know how to make one.
To whistle along to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taVW8Kv2HcQ
There is only one song in the world that DEMANDS you whistle along to it. This is the song and nothing else compares.
To fall asleep to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnfywzFE63s
Here in England ‘The Shipping Forecast’ – which does what it says on the tin – is broadcast three times a day on Radio 4, once at 12.43am exactly. I don’t understand it but there’s something innately soothing up about it
To disturb working
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJqPNpUhxPY
Given that I often work on my own, erm everything (welcome to the world of the freelance journalist). But I do remember when I was in an office of Star Wars fans and this brought the house down…
And, as I was typing this, a filmmaker friend of mine sent me this and stopped me halfway through, so I guess I better put this in:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvZZNwDnJuk
Makes you laugh every time even thinking about it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKiIroiCvZ0
Whilst I’m not a purist (i.e. those who cry “DIGITAL MUST DIE AND WE MUST GO BACK TO THE WAYS OF CELLULOID! IN FACT WE DEMAND THE RETURN OF CAVE PAINTINGS!” but this David Lynch attack on new technology makes me laugh every time (WARNING: Contains the use of a naughty word!. Parents you have been warned. Leave the room so you’re not embarrassed when your children watch it.)
Best nostalgia-trip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3iBUL0nRm8&feature=related
I have no idea about other countries but every English person knows that this is the greatest theme tune of all time to the greatest TV show of all time. FACT!…
To watch with friends
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A0rwG39Jzk
More Star Wars malarkey I’m afraid, but it’s just very funny: a triumph of dubbing!
Real eye-opener
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo
Absolute brilliance of editing from Norway. Simply superb. The final credits are a kicker
Where you yourself have participated
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKG44aiCEhk
I have a cameo at one or two points on this lovingly put together festival memory…
When you have a hangover?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8yx4k4tzqE
Given that I’m at the age where hangover’s are less ‘I’ll have a headache for a couple of hours’ and more ‘I’m dying and refuse to leave my bed for days” me getting to the computer would be a miracle. But if I did this Lemon Jelly video has enough get up and go to try and shake it off. Or make me violently ill.
While drinking your morning coffee?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAaUoZIu338
I’m English dammit! We drink tea and this handy guide provides all you need to know how to make one.
To whistle along to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taVW8Kv2HcQ
There is only one song in the world that DEMANDS you whistle along to it. This is the song and nothing else compares.
To fall asleep to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnfywzFE63s
Here in England ‘The Shipping Forecast’ – which does what it says on the tin – is broadcast three times a day on Radio 4, once at 12.43am exactly. I don’t understand it but there’s something innately soothing up about it
To disturb working
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJqPNpUhxPY
Given that I often work on my own, erm everything (welcome to the world of the freelance journalist). But I do remember when I was in an office of Star Wars fans and this brought the house down…
And, as I was typing this, a filmmaker friend of mine sent me this and stopped me halfway through, so I guess I better put this in:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvZZNwDnJuk
Makes you laugh every time even thinking about it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKiIroiCvZ0
Whilst I’m not a purist (i.e. those who cry “DIGITAL MUST DIE AND WE MUST GO BACK TO THE WAYS OF CELLULOID! IN FACT WE DEMAND THE RETURN OF CAVE PAINTINGS!” but this David Lynch attack on new technology makes me laugh every time (WARNING: Contains the use of a naughty word!. Parents you have been warned. Leave the room so you’re not embarrassed when your children watch it.)
Best nostalgia-trip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3iBUL0nRm8&feature=related
I have no idea about other countries but every English person knows that this is the greatest theme tune of all time to the greatest TV show of all time. FACT!…
To watch with friends
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A0rwG39Jzk
More Star Wars malarkey I’m afraid, but it’s just very funny: a triumph of dubbing!
Real eye-opener
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo
Absolute brilliance of editing from Norway. Simply superb. The final credits are a kicker
Where you yourself have participated
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKG44aiCEhk
I have a cameo at one or two points on this lovingly put together festival memory…
Elbow - Leaders Of The Free World (CD Review for The Leeds Guide, 2005)
Those who saw Elbow at the recent Leeds Festival will have noted that somebody has seemingly lit a fire under the lads from Manchester. Their passion and enthusiasm - in particular from lead singer Guy Garvey - were something of a surprise from a band more well known for the fragile sound and brutally beautiful lyrics. The same energy is also much evident in their third studio album. Just what exactly have Elbow been putting in their tea?
Having said that, the first two tracks of Leaders Of The Free World - ‘Station Approach’ and ‘Picky Bugger’ - see Elbow compose some more hauntingly serene tunes. But then we hit recent single ‘Forget Myself’ a song that is probably as close to anthemic that Elbow will ever come to. An exuberantly brilliant ode to a night of drinking it’s a kick up the behind that gears you up for the rest of the album.
Throughout it all there are Garvey’s brilliant lyrics that speak of relationships, love and life. Such lines as “Your sweet reassurances don’t change the fact /That he’s better looking than me/ Yet he’d look ideal ‘neath the wheels of a car,” from ‘Mexican Standoff’ are typical of the playful darkness that is weaved throughout the album.
On the strength of Leaders Of The Free World, Elbow have gained a confidence and spirit that has previously eluded them. Rather than making them lose their edge, it has sharpened their sound and created one of the most interesting and satisfying albums of the past year. Whatever is in their tea, let’s hope they continue to drink it.
Having said that, the first two tracks of Leaders Of The Free World - ‘Station Approach’ and ‘Picky Bugger’ - see Elbow compose some more hauntingly serene tunes. But then we hit recent single ‘Forget Myself’ a song that is probably as close to anthemic that Elbow will ever come to. An exuberantly brilliant ode to a night of drinking it’s a kick up the behind that gears you up for the rest of the album.
Throughout it all there are Garvey’s brilliant lyrics that speak of relationships, love and life. Such lines as “Your sweet reassurances don’t change the fact /That he’s better looking than me/ Yet he’d look ideal ‘neath the wheels of a car,” from ‘Mexican Standoff’ are typical of the playful darkness that is weaved throughout the album.
On the strength of Leaders Of The Free World, Elbow have gained a confidence and spirit that has previously eluded them. Rather than making them lose their edge, it has sharpened their sound and created one of the most interesting and satisfying albums of the past year. Whatever is in their tea, let’s hope they continue to drink it.
Film Theory 101 - Hard Boiled (Hotdog Magazine, 2003)
John Woo likes blowing things up. Then having them shot. And blown up again. But he's an old softy at heart.
What's it about?: Unorthodox cop Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat) attempts to crack a crime syndicate with the help of undercover operative Tony (Tony Leung). Uber-violence ensues.
What's it really about?: The fact that Tony and Tequila's idea of a night on the town involves a full cartridge and some plastic explosive belies the fact that they have strongly defined moral codes. Initially appearing to be on opposite sides of the law, it is this moral code (known to the Japanese as yi) that marks both characters out as good and, by association, everyone they kill as 'very nasty''
The violence they commit is always shown as reactive and Woo makes sure that we identify within them a childlike innocence (witness Tony's origami or Tequila holding the baby in the climactic fight scene). Thus, it's not what they do, it's the way that they do it. The violence that they commit is the only way of understanding each one's moral code and developing a true friendship. Awwww.
What's it about?: Unorthodox cop Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat) attempts to crack a crime syndicate with the help of undercover operative Tony (Tony Leung). Uber-violence ensues.
What's it really about?: The fact that Tony and Tequila's idea of a night on the town involves a full cartridge and some plastic explosive belies the fact that they have strongly defined moral codes. Initially appearing to be on opposite sides of the law, it is this moral code (known to the Japanese as yi) that marks both characters out as good and, by association, everyone they kill as 'very nasty''
The violence they commit is always shown as reactive and Woo makes sure that we identify within them a childlike innocence (witness Tony's origami or Tequila holding the baby in the climactic fight scene). Thus, it's not what they do, it's the way that they do it. The violence that they commit is the only way of understanding each one's moral code and developing a true friendship. Awwww.
The Alternative Oscars 2003 (6Degrees.co.uk, 2003)
Well, on March 25th, the Oscars are back. We can all stay up late, make catty remarks about the dress sense of the actresses, watch B-list celebrities mispronounce the names of the short film directors and generally bask in the glory of Hollywood. Well, you can if you
have Sky, seeing as how the BBC has spent all its money on live Curling coverage.
But how much do we really care about best actor, director or film? We all know that Miramax will stage aggressive marketing campaign (something along the lines of "vote for our stuff, or we'll shoot your dog") and most likely walk off with everything in sight.
Wouldn't it be great if the Oscars were a bit more, well, irreverent? (No Billy Crystal's “hilarious” songs don't count). Surely some slightly leftfield awards would be in order ....
The nominees for most ridiculously monikered director:
Tarsem (‘The Cell’). Director or strong cough syrup?
McG (‘Charlie's Angels’). Presumably with fries and a large shake.
Woody Allen (‘Small Time Criminals’). If Walter Konigsberg thinks naming himself after a popular character in 'Toy Story' is going to make him a success in this industry, he's got another thing coming.
Traktor (‘Chain of Fools’). Now you're just being silly
The nominees for best inanimate object in a film:
Wilson the basketball (‘Cast Away’). A slamdunk of a debut!! Oh, please yourselves.
Cameron Diaz's Spiderman Underpants (‘Charlie's Angels’). 'Nuff said
The Enigma Code Machine (‘U-571’). It's good to know that America did everything important during WWII and that Hollywood reports it so accurately. (For the benefit of those without a good grasp of history or those who are American this is what is known as“irony”)
John Travolta (‘Battlefield Earth’). Boom-boom!! Oh, still please yourselves.
The nominees for worst accent in a film:
Alec Baldwin (‘Thomas and the Magic Railroad’). Come back Dick Van Dyke, all is forgiven !!
Josh Hartnett (‘Blow Dry’). So you haven't seen it yet. Needless to say, never let an American attempt a Yorkshire accent, especially when he's getting tips from an Irish director.
Adam Sandler (‘Little Nicky’). It's not cute. It's not endearing. It's just f**king annoying!
Anthony Hopkins (‘Hannibal’). If he's meant to be one of the greatest screen villains of the past decade, why does he sound like Kaa the Snake from 'The Jungle Book'?
The nominees for the “how the hell did they convince them to do that" award:
‘Honest’ It’s got 3/4 of the All Saints in it and its directed by a member of the Eurythmics.
What drugs were the funders taking to agree to that?
‘Miss Congeniality’ Sandra Bullock is an ugly, mannish tomboy. Pull the other one people.
‘Bicentennial Man’ Robin Williams as a robot who wants to be human. A cinema audience as normal people who want to throw themselves out of a window.
‘Being John Malkovich’ A great movie no doubt, but Spike Jonze must be able to sell snow to Eskimos if he could convince studio bosses to go with it.
Best use of anatomy in a film:
Cameron Diaz's bum (‘Charlie's Angels’) The scenes featuring said posterior are very important to the story. Absolutely crucial to the narrative. Sigh....
Kate Winslet's Bosom (‘Quills’) If her breasts heaved any more, they could enter tug-of-war competitions.
Kevin Bacon's tackle (‘The Hollow Man’) Ok, so it's invisible most of the time. At least, that's what he tells the ladies. (Note to Mr Bacon's lawyers: this is a joke)
Ewan McGregor's meat and two veg. (everything he's ever done). For God’s sake man, put it away !
The nominees for most ironic Hollywood film:
Withdrawn due to pointlessness. As everyone knows, there's no such thing as irony in Hollywood.
Laurence Boyce would like to thank Neil Young of www.jigsawlounge.co.uk for letting him steal the 'Best Inanimate Object' idea. He would also like to remind AMPAS that he comes at a reasonable fee should they require someone to host next years Oscars. Finally, he would like to iterate that he is in no way, shape or form obsessed with Cameron Diaz or any parts of her anatomy. Well, perhaps just a little bit.
6degrees would like to point out that the views expressed in this feature are strictly those of Mr. Boyce (particularly the bit about Miramax shooting dogs.)
have Sky, seeing as how the BBC has spent all its money on live Curling coverage.
But how much do we really care about best actor, director or film? We all know that Miramax will stage aggressive marketing campaign (something along the lines of "vote for our stuff, or we'll shoot your dog") and most likely walk off with everything in sight.
Wouldn't it be great if the Oscars were a bit more, well, irreverent? (No Billy Crystal's “hilarious” songs don't count). Surely some slightly leftfield awards would be in order ....
The nominees for most ridiculously monikered director:
Tarsem (‘The Cell’). Director or strong cough syrup?
McG (‘Charlie's Angels’). Presumably with fries and a large shake.
Woody Allen (‘Small Time Criminals’). If Walter Konigsberg thinks naming himself after a popular character in 'Toy Story' is going to make him a success in this industry, he's got another thing coming.
Traktor (‘Chain of Fools’). Now you're just being silly
The nominees for best inanimate object in a film:
Wilson the basketball (‘Cast Away’). A slamdunk of a debut!! Oh, please yourselves.
Cameron Diaz's Spiderman Underpants (‘Charlie's Angels’). 'Nuff said
The Enigma Code Machine (‘U-571’). It's good to know that America did everything important during WWII and that Hollywood reports it so accurately. (For the benefit of those without a good grasp of history or those who are American this is what is known as“irony”)
John Travolta (‘Battlefield Earth’). Boom-boom!! Oh, still please yourselves.
The nominees for worst accent in a film:
Alec Baldwin (‘Thomas and the Magic Railroad’). Come back Dick Van Dyke, all is forgiven !!
Josh Hartnett (‘Blow Dry’). So you haven't seen it yet. Needless to say, never let an American attempt a Yorkshire accent, especially when he's getting tips from an Irish director.
Adam Sandler (‘Little Nicky’). It's not cute. It's not endearing. It's just f**king annoying!
Anthony Hopkins (‘Hannibal’). If he's meant to be one of the greatest screen villains of the past decade, why does he sound like Kaa the Snake from 'The Jungle Book'?
The nominees for the “how the hell did they convince them to do that" award:
‘Honest’ It’s got 3/4 of the All Saints in it and its directed by a member of the Eurythmics.
What drugs were the funders taking to agree to that?
‘Miss Congeniality’ Sandra Bullock is an ugly, mannish tomboy. Pull the other one people.
‘Bicentennial Man’ Robin Williams as a robot who wants to be human. A cinema audience as normal people who want to throw themselves out of a window.
‘Being John Malkovich’ A great movie no doubt, but Spike Jonze must be able to sell snow to Eskimos if he could convince studio bosses to go with it.
Best use of anatomy in a film:
Cameron Diaz's bum (‘Charlie's Angels’) The scenes featuring said posterior are very important to the story. Absolutely crucial to the narrative. Sigh....
Kate Winslet's Bosom (‘Quills’) If her breasts heaved any more, they could enter tug-of-war competitions.
Kevin Bacon's tackle (‘The Hollow Man’) Ok, so it's invisible most of the time. At least, that's what he tells the ladies. (Note to Mr Bacon's lawyers: this is a joke)
Ewan McGregor's meat and two veg. (everything he's ever done). For God’s sake man, put it away !
The nominees for most ironic Hollywood film:
Withdrawn due to pointlessness. As everyone knows, there's no such thing as irony in Hollywood.
Laurence Boyce would like to thank Neil Young of www.jigsawlounge.co.uk for letting him steal the 'Best Inanimate Object' idea. He would also like to remind AMPAS that he comes at a reasonable fee should they require someone to host next years Oscars. Finally, he would like to iterate that he is in no way, shape or form obsessed with Cameron Diaz or any parts of her anatomy. Well, perhaps just a little bit.
6degrees would like to point out that the views expressed in this feature are strictly those of Mr. Boyce (particularly the bit about Miramax shooting dogs.)
